As I travel the world visiting all the wonderful places on people’s bucket lists, I’ve come to the conclusion people like myself travelling the world visiting all the wonderful places have totally f*cked up those wonderful places.
It’s not our fault, it’s just we are herd animals and despite our omnivorous diet and our ability to put other animals onto assembly lines and electrocute them and chop them into little pieces that will fit in refrigerators, we are not naturally the top predators. We like to be safe, to be amongst a crowd where our chances of being taken by a lion or shark are diminished. Which is why all the lovely places in the world are slowly being loved to death.
Capris, in the bay of the Naples, is one of those places. For a start it costs about 70 million Euros to take a return ferry from Naples to the island. The ferries being slightly smaller versions of the huge ocean liners that park at Naple’s dock as live sheep exporters may do on occasions.
Sure there’s thousands of wonderful photos to take on Capris, like the ones below, each skilfully cutting out the throngs of other tourists taking the same photos so you can imagine you are alone wandering the romantic streets of this beautiful island. But as we will no doubt find in years to come, what we once thought of a deserted universe where God in his wisdom only granted life to this little pinprick of a planet, the universe is no doubt full of life, all of which, like us, like to take a day trip to Capri.
The squares are packed like pens of battery farmed chickens, perhaps closer to our bipedal ways than the ‘four legs good, two legs better’ variety of animals I referred to earlier. Better still if you carry a Gucci bag you picked up in the street markets of Naples, better still if you actually look like a person who could afford to buy a Gucci bag from an actual Gucci shop. By the way, don’t worry, I think you can purchase a Gucci bag on Capris if you need to.
The romantic narrow streets are clogged with tourist buses, packed as full as a tin of herrings. And at this point I may need to stop with the edible animal analogies as I’m sure I’ve made my point, if there was one ever to be made.
Oh yes, but there’s the famous Blue Grotto, where for 10,000 Euros, you can queue like at Disneyland for a 5-minute in and out experience where after you are like, wow, that Splash Mountain was amazing, and you’re all of a sudden enlighten having seen such blue and then you pack yourself back in the tin and wind your way across the island to whatever the name of that square is where you can get a gondola ride up the mountain, which at this stage you really don’t give a poop about.
It’s a pretty f*cking amazing photo though let’s be honest!
Then there’s these cute kitty cats. Oh, they so cute.
The place below is also totally freakin awesome, a narrow walkway that goes from that square near the gondola all the way down to the harbour. And actually, no shit, you don’t see many people taking this route and you may even get a glimpse of the ‘real’ Capris, whatever the f*ck that is.
I hope to God no one actually reads this thing as I may inadvertently be spoiling one of the few romantic spots on the island I visited on the day trip. I’m sure there’s more, but you know what, I’m sick of tourism, of tourists, of really, people like myself, who travel to these places in droves searching for some even brief contact with life other than that our boring middle-class bourgeoise office jobs afford us.
Now, if you actually want a memorable spiritual experience, don’t just get off your cruise liner and head to Capris or Pompeii (though Pompeii is genuinely amazing, and big enough to handle thousands of tourists). try your hand at a little Naples, which sounds comfortingly like nipples.
Naples is as real as places come and the best cure for that boring bourgeois middle-class life you lead which forces you to experience life for those few weeks a year that you unchain yourself from your desk.
Comfortable bourgeois middle class workers of the world who can now afford to visit places like Italy unite; you have nothing to lose but your chains.
Don’t be afraid to take a risk and explore places like Naples. Though to be honest, you will feel fear in Naples, it has an edginess that has you clutching your iPhone, camera, on occasions your dear life. Like a grazing gazelle, your eyes constantly darting back and forth between the graffiti-covered walls, your heart pumps with excitement and you feel that you are alive, but you’re not sure for exactly how long, minutes, hours, weeks, the longer you stay in Naples the shorter the odds on the former rather than the later.
But who gives a shit, you’re going to die anyway, none of your travel insurance and superannuation and making payments on your mortgage are going to change that.
So grow some testicles or boobies and head into the jungle of Naples. Because without any semblance of exaggeration, after that first bite of Napolese pizza, you are not going to care if some gangster comes out and exposes your brains to the elements to take you iPhone. In fact you probably won’t even notice, because you’ll be like, this is the best f*cking pizza anywhere in this f*cking universe, and you’ll still have that feel in your soul as the angels lift you from the commie-clad cobblestone streets and into pizza heaven.